TT Taboo: Porn
TT Taboo: Porn
I was 16 years old and had just gotten together with my first boyfriend. I decided that I was ready to have sex, but I was worried about my inexperience. So, I prepared in the only way I knew - by watching porn.
Journalist: Bonnie Sutherland
Illustrator: Rebecca Øistad
On a Friday night not long after, we were making out on the couch in his basement. Harry Potter was on the TV, a cover-up because his mom was upstairs. It didn’t take long until we were naked. Skin on skin, on scratchy woven fabric. My mind raced back to what I’d seen in the videos. I was so nervous about what to do, what to say, if I was saying enough, or if I was too silent. Most importantly, if I looked sexy enough, that I forgot to consider how I felt.
In the heat of the moment I said, “You’re so big.” Just like I’d heard on Pornhub. He stopped abruptly and stared down at me. “Don’t … say that.” I was petrified. He had caught me in my act. Suddenly it was obvious that my entire performance was copied from porn. Unfortunately, it’s all too common for people to imitate porn in real life, especially young people.
Mimicry is natural
Some say human culture spreads and replicates through imitation. Babies watch their parents speak, walk, eat, and by mimicry, learn how to be a person. We learn new behaviors by first watching someone else perform that behavior. But sex is one human activity that is notably different. Kids don’t watch their parents model sex to learn from them. Nor do we learn sex in school or any other public arena. Sex is generally something youth must figure out on their own, with some help from outside sources. Luckily there are several such sources – gossip from friends or an older sibling, movies, and TV shows, porn - widely available, on any device, for free. Of these, porn is the most credible resource with large potential for imitation. There’s an endless library of people doing it, and it’s conveniently videotaped. Watch and learn.
Most respondents felt that they were influenced by porn before they started having sex. For many, porn was a negative influence, either scaring them away from sex, or giving them a certain idea of how sex should be. Several responses stated that porn made them believe that during sex, the focus should be male pleasure. Other respondents were positively influenced by porn before they made their sexual debut. Some wrote that they were able to explore what they found pleasurable, find what turned them on, and explore their boundaries before they eventually had sex.
But is porn even realistic? As ThePornConversation. org says, “porn is entertainment, not education!” Videos are edited to have the best entertainment value. They seem continuous, but the shooting takes place over several hours with breaks in between. Foreplay is often edited out to make the videos shorter. Aesthetics are put before anything else. It’s not designed to be a tutorial. Is it necessary to learn sex first by watching? Sex may be one thing all humans have the innate ability to figure out, without mimicry. Philosopher Rene Girard may not have had sex on his mind when he wrote his mimetic theory of desire, but it rings true for the existence of porn. He wrote, “Man is the creature who does not know what to desire, and he turns to others to make up his mind. We desire what others desire because we imitate their desires.” Humans may be able to figure out sex itself, but we like to be shown what to desire.
Responses to the survey make it clear that we often use porn as a source of material to mimic in real life. Most common was mimicking positions in porn, using it as a source of inspiration. Several respondents also mentioned themselves or their partners mimicking the vocabulary and vocal style they hear in porn, like moaning more than they naturally would, screaming, or “sexy talk”. Some felt they were putting on a performance, copying the behaviors of porn stars. Others wrote they or their partners exhibited attitudes often seen in porn, such as the man dominating or talking down to the woman, slapping or choking, fast and rough sex with most of the attention on male pleasure.
A repeated response was “expectations.” Vague, but important. We’re familiar with the long list of expectations: The participants must ejaculate every time - especially the man. The woman will be sexually excited even when little or no attention is paid to her needs. A penis will get hard immediately and stay hard for the duration of the act. A penis must be large. Et cetera. The fact that respondents used the single word “expectations” shows how implicitly long and universally experienced the list is.
Preferences
Almost half of respondents answered that they had a category of porn which they sought out. Additionally, a majority answered that their interests are represented in available porn. It seems that the nearly endless internet contains something for everyone, even if it can be difficult to navigate around so much unwanted content.
It seems that people find what they like in porn after trial and failure, similarly to real life sex. Half of survey respondents watched porn before age 16; they’ve had time to find what they like virtually and physically. Many wrote that porn affected them most when they were young, then less as they became more experienced and comfortable.
Shame
About 62% of respondents felt shameful when watching porn, even though 90% consider it normal to watch porn. When asked how they felt about their partner watching porn, 71% responded “good for them,” while 9% said that it feels wrong, and 19% weren’t sure. There could be shame from feeling that we aren’t good enough for our partners - not sexy or adventurous enough - but this is based on the unrealistic ideals of porn.
At the time of writing, a few of the top video titles on Pornhub include “creampie”, “licks all the cum”, “horny bitches”, and “fucking my stepmom.” In general, stepfamily members and teens are mentioned frequently. Everyone has different fantasies, but there’s a difference between an adult dressing in a schoolgirl costume and child sex trafficking. Countless videos featuring nonconsensual and illegal content have been posted on Pornhub and other sites. Even if it gets removed, someone else can reupload it. For the user, it’s impossible to tell whether it’s abuse. Regardless, we shouldn’t have to ask.
I wonder if it’s simply the taboo of masturbating, or if we are troubled by consuming something that we know is unethical. We may feel shame in getting off by watching someone be degraded, not knowing if they have chosen to do this, or under what circumstances. I can’t say for certain why so many feel shame – you should discuss that at the dinner table. But I can say that there are alternatives to mainstream porn which can be ethically produced and may alleviate that shame.
Ethical porn?
Ethical porn simply means the actors are treated fairly. A whopping 63% of respondents have not sought out alternatives to mainstream porn, such as ethical porn or OnlyFans. Several respondents wrote positive feedback, that it feels better to consume ethical porn. Others seemed unacquainted; some were uncertain if the word “ethical” made any real difference.
Another example of ethical porn is the site Make Love Not Porn, which could fit into the category of amateur porn. The content is made by regular couples, who then receive half of each rental price (50 NOK per video). To post a video, the site requires an introduction video and two forms of identification from each participant. The site emphasizes that you can still find spicy videos there, but it’s always consensual. Other examples are paid sites like Lust Cinema, Sssh.com, the audio-based Dipsea (offering free trials), and Audiogasms on Tumblr (for free). Plenty to choose from. (Note: these are only examples. Do your own research!)
OnlyFans has taken the world by storm, now with 170 million users and 1.5 million creators. Respondents were unsure whether OnlyFans can be considered fully ethical. Some wrote that it feels creepy to have such a direct link to those who consume the intimate content. Others were concerned about creators joining without being clear on potential consequences, especially how the ease of posting and the normalization of the platform affects young people. On the other side, respondents wrote that it could be a good source of income and give power to the creator rather than middlemen.
The average OnlyFans creator has 21 subscribers and makes about 1500 NOK per month. The platform takes 20% of the creator’s earnings, which is still lower than other porn platforms. The average subscriber is male, married, and 35-44 years old. OnlyFans’ popularity has magnified the conversation around ethical porn. The arguments surrounding OnlyFans are incredibly relevant to the rest of the ethical porn industry.
Go forth and watch porn
Even so-called ethical porn can promote the same types of harm, so when you consume porn, take it with a pinch, or a handful, of salt. Be conscious of the entertainment value of the porn, and the mere presence of a camera means that it’s never going to be as realistic as the real world. And if you haven’t already figured this out on your own, allow me to give some free advice: You don’t have to sound like you’re in a porn video when you have sex.
Porn, in its various forms, has existed for as long as we can trace. It’s here to stay. We look to others to find out what we desire. Honestly, it’s hard to just close your eyes and imagine something sexy. If it was easy, we wouldn’t need porn. The industry has always been evolving, both regarding new technologies and social attitudes. We may be in a porn revolution right now! Go forth and find pleasure.
