Funoscope

Clairvoiant: Laura Wnavik

Illustrator: Linnea Santi Moe

Illustrator: Henrikke Ellewsen

Translator: Theodor Kalager

Aries

21. March - 20. April

As an Aries, you’re obviously always in sheep’s clothing. The real question is whether there’s a wolf underneath. The answer is yes – two! One is very promiscuous and the other a fist magnet, and both talk big. To raise these inner wolves, you should practise basic commands like shake (great others nicely), sit (sit) and not roll (sleep) around. If none of this works, and you’re still rude and feisty, you should just admit defeat or join FF and/or Collegium Alfa(dog). Just avoid rabies (herpes)!

Taurus

21. April - 21. May

You’re a fucker of the lazy kind, here comes a clear message from above: GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! A good soldier rests when he can, but you neither could or should chill any more before you suddenly rest in peace for ever, got it? A sharp person asks follow-up questions in conversations, buys candy for his friends during exam season and are DEFINITELY NOT scrolling on the toilet. To speed up the tightening-up process you can consider changing all your pants with tights, but this usually only result in a stomach-ache, and honestly, we’re not really up for more whining from you this year.

Gemini

22. May - 21. June

Gemini’s experience astro-hormonal fluctuations these days and are extremely vulnerable to the bevippeling of all sticks. Therefore, we can’t risk taking any sticks for this country – the stars are imposing a full ban for stumble-juice until the exam season ends. As liquid alternatives you may drink the tears of your ex, the blood of all your haters or Kolonihagens new Rhubarb- and strawberrysoda – Wery good! Otherwise, just make sure to stock up on vitamin D this summer, cuz you ain’t gonna get much of the other D before the autumn-parallell 2027.

Cancer

22. June - 22. July

Cancer must get out of it’s cell before the rest of us crawl out of our skin. The stars have been in the recovery position all season – You need a proper wake-me-up! Tips to wake up includes eating Kvikk lunsj, only wear neon orange clothing and/or enjoy a joint behind Skogveien (crimes are generally an effective way to meet energetic acquaintances, and if you’re arrested you will be handed orange clothing completely free!). Just watch out for men with a car and a mischievous smile – You don’t want to end up in an Epstein-(pedo)file.

Leo

23. July - 23. August

Leo’s are experiencing better days and are starting to get really cocky. What Leo forgets, is that there’s no point in being the sharpest tool in the shed, if the competition is a bunch of garden spades. A Leo needs to be challenged – A Leo must run a marathon. A Leo should stop eating cocks and get friends that are way cockier than they are. A Leo should take a trip to Oslo and realise that their style just isn’t what they thought it was. A Leo should get more humble and stretch before they stumble.

Virgo

24. august - 23. september

No.

Libra

24. September - 23. Oktober

Libra is a notorious people pleaser and needs to listen to themselves more moving forward. Invest in a stethoscope and start writing a diary to figure out what you’re trying to tell yourself. Spoiler: you don’t have a lot in your heart, you’re really just tired. Therefore, you should take a nap and come back after the summer – You’ve always felt better in the autumn anyways. Maybe there’s a tiny augustblock-fling waiting? If you have some spare time in the summer, you could also try to get it into your thick skull that everything isn’t that deep. But you’ll see for yourself what you have time for.

Scorpio

24. Oktober - 22. November

I know a man. He gets up way too late every day. He doesn’t study because he has to, but because he didn’t know what he should do. Because he only knows one way to do stuff: Halfway. That’s what makes bad milk, if you know what I mean. Maybe the worlds worst milk. Therefore, you should keep away for all forms of dairy products and become a better person. New research shows that sometimes crying over spilt milk can be beneficial, so start crying as fast as possible, and apologize more.

Sagittarius

23. November - 21. Desember

Your need to explore the world has gone completely off the hinges, and you have to mind your own business all summer long. Maybe start your own company? Or not. Either way you’re in danger of becoming overwhelmed and should therefore seek out disappointments as often as possible. These includes: the statistics for this years fulfilled community services, your personal screentime and debt, plus NMBU’s budget for the coming year. All in all, your pessimism will bear fruits, since extreme negativity often results in everything going better than expected. But remember: Bad vibes are also a vibe!

Capricorn

22. Desember - 20. January

Congratulations, you became interesting! Maybe a little too much even? The road is short from special to special needs you know, so please stop exaggerating. You don’t need to have SUCH quirky opinions and cool hobbies, and AT LEAST keep your voice down. It is tiring for everybody else. When the normality of the world crumbles it is extremely important that we all participate – We don’t have time for you to be a fucking snowflake. So, you should invest in a pair of skinny jeans and take a trip to Ski Storsenter to neutralise it all.

Aquarius

21. January - 18. February

You might think that destiny is written in the stars, but that’s where you’re wrong. Noone knows anything, especially not the elected officials. But! It’s not about what you know or not, as long as your faith won’t budge! The belief in faith, hope and horoscope (fuck love)<3 Life is like a box of chocolates: You’ll be fucking devastated if you get a chocolate banana. So, keep away for S.Lærken! other than that you can lean back and watch the show. To be more open for surprises you should sleep with both doors and windows completely open.

Pisces

19. February - 20. March

You may be a fish in the stars, but on earth you are a worker bee. A real stressed dawdler, if you would. When life is a dance on neuroses, you easily forget what matters in life: Bitches and money. While your read for the exam, you should only listen to Ballinciaga and maybe knit a pink balaclava if you feel like you totally lack rizz. Mi amor has danced for herself to long now, yk. Boys should join her home, maybe? Ballin`.